Go Ahead, Knock Me Down, Push Me in the Mud....

Rachel Nesmith

A lot of people know how I, Sleepy American live in a beat up Pinto of a body with Narcolepsy with Cataplexy, Fibromyalgia, and RA, but few know all of the non-Medical/Social/Life obstacles I have overcome in life. ANY one of them would crumble many. 1986 Many Days each week, I was sexually assaulted by two classmates.  I hadn't known about sex, but I did know I didn't like being held down underneath the understructures of our playground when I just wanted to play with my friends. It was difficult for me to explain, and I was afraid of saying what was really happening to me if/when after they ever caught up to me because I was afraid to mention sexual vocabulary, esp. to elders. The chasing, knocking me down, molesting/raping went on until I had enough. I finally opened up to my closest friend in my class(and she agreed to keep running with me and not to. I told the teacher I duty about the boys chasing me, but was told to not run and then they couldn't chase me...? ! I am not naming names- not my place) Frustrated, me and by friend kept running that day in may 1986, desperately trying to stay right in front of the teacher, not caring much if we did get in trouble  for running when she said no, because stopping where she could not see was a much worse 'punishment'.
We ran around the entire playground, and looking for a way to get back up right in front of  the on duty Teacher at Recess, Stoping dead in front of her, looking into her disapproving eyes as my little rapist pushed me into the puddle of mud directly in front of me. I got scolded, in addition to covered in mud symbolically smearing with shame. My friend graciously helped me clean up as best I could in the school bathroom. I vividly remember looking at my reflection in the mirror at the sinks and I saw a STRONG and Fed UP young lady thinking about how messed up this all was! I was angry, exhausted, and for crying out loud just wanted to play at recess. Finally, I explained best I could to my parents, still afraid to say sexual words, because coming home covered in mud-stained skin/clothes made them upset, as it was. The last several weeks, the sexual and physical attacked decreased, quickly stopped thereafter. I was so happy to be a kid again, a really natyremSavu 6yr old, sensible adult in a child's body. c Though less severe in nature, I was sexually assaulted 3 more times in my Elementary, Intermediate,and  high school. How did I deal? Make sense of it? make it right? I started by writing poetry, standing up for children' and women's human rights.Intermediate school, I became president of Y-Teens, a teen group of the YWCA, and I loved being involved. How can we as parents ensure our children's safety when out of our sight assumed to be safe under a trusted watchful eye? How much do you tell our 6yr olds about sexual assault by anyone happens....?
A Disillusioned Childhood 
Dedicated to all those who have suffered Sexual abuse. I have walked many paths, Seen many sights, Yet still not to fight the wrath; To fix all wrong and make it right. I once was a child, Ran around Free and wild. And in an instant, all was stolen, As into an abyss, I had fallen. "Time heals all wounds,  As one would say. Still, all inside seemed ruined. I guess I'll wait another Day.
 ~Rachel Dawn Nesmith    Sleepy American

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